Reclaiming Masculinity

How porn undermines healthy masculinity and how to fight back

I had a relationship with porn before I even had my first kiss with a girl in 8th grade. As I think about that now, I mourn the loss of my innocence. It’s heartbreaking to consider what children today, with their smartphones and constant access to social media, are exposed to at such a young age and how that will affect their development.

For me, porn stunted my emotional and sexual maturity, and that became painfully clear in my failed marriage. It distorted my understanding of intimacy and how truly sacred it is. Instead of giving my spouse my full attention, I split it with strangers onscreen and lied about it by omission, ashamed to admit that I was not the man I thought I was or that she thought I was.

I believe that for those who hold themselves to higher standards, morally or personally, porn becomes a contradiction. It undermines the very qualities we often associate with masculinity—strength, respect, integrity, and self-control.

Where is the strength in indulging in behaviors that objectify and dehumanize others?

Where is the self-respect and respect for our partner when we seek satisfaction in secret, rather than embracing intimacy with the person who trusts us?

Where is the integrity in betraying that trust, all the while pretending to be faithful and committed?

Where's the self-control when we can’t help but give in to our desires whenever temptation arises?

How is a partner supposed to feel valued and cherished by someone who undermines the relationship in this way?

How can a man embody true masculinity while constantly contradicting these core values?

It’s difficult to build a firm foundation in relationships when our first experiences with sexuality are distorted by porn. For many men, porn is introduced at an early age and it shapes our understanding of intimacy long before we’ve had real-life connections, warping our expectations and behaviors.

This issue goes beyond individual relationships. As a society, easy access to porn has altered the way we view intimacy, consent, and respect. It teaches men to objectify rather than connect, to see people as objects of gratification rather than partners in mutual, meaningful experiences. It warps our ability to form deep, respectful bonds.

We need to recognize that the easy access to porn is contributing to the erosion of masculine values and the degradation of our ability to form real, lasting relationships. Acknowledging this contradiction is the first step toward rebuilding a healthier sense of masculinity, one rooted in genuine strength, respect, and integrity.

So, what does this healthier masculinity look like? It’s a masculinity grounded in respect for oneself and one’s partner, where intimacy is valued, not commodified. It’s about being strong enough to resist destructive habits and having the integrity to live honestly. It’s about exercising self-control, not through repression, but by making mindful choices that build trust and foster deeper connections.

Being a man is being a provider and a protector. Someone who sticks to their promises and keeps the wolves at bay.

Living into this kind of masculinity allows for real growth and satisfaction in relationships—where both partners feel valued, safe, and fully seen.

This transformation from boy to man starts with taking responsibility. If we acknowledge the contradiction in our actions, we can begin to break the cycle. We can commit to healing and learn what real intimacy means. We can choose to rebuild ourselves into men who honor our commitments, live with integrity, and take pride in the relationships we nurture. This shift not only restores masculinity but strengthens the foundation of our relationships and society as a whole.

The easy path of indulgence—what porn offers—is not the path of a strong, honorable man. By recognizing the damage we’ve caused through our past action and choosing a better way forward, we can reclaim masculinity as a force for good, for protection, and for love.