Finding Your Why

How Understanding Your Purpose Can Break the Chains of Pain

Without understanding your “Why,” breaking free from any addiction or problematic relationship can feel like an endless battle. My battle for most of my conscious life has been with porn. Learning from 5 years of intentional recovery, an essential part of living free from porn is understanding your why. When your why becomes a part of your identity, you can truly begin the road to recovery with a sustainable source of fuel.

To understand your why, you need to reflect on your story (the good, the bad, and the ugly) and the identity you are striving for. You need to understand your relationship with this negative habit and the damage it has done to your ideal identity’s trajectory.

Reflecting on my story and the origin of my why, there’s always been a deep sense that my relationship with porn wasn’t aligned with my moral compass. Raised to respect others and live truthfully, I quickly realized that this part of my life was a stark contradiction to those values. My ideal identity as a man of integrity and honor who could lead others toward success was soiled by my relationship with porn. My actions didn’t align with my self-perception, which undermined my goal of being a positive leader among my peers.

As a teenager and well into my late 20s, I knew it was something I desired but also something I needed to hide. I could feel myself becoming desensitized to porn, using it impulsively to numb emotional pain, boredom, or anxiety—without fully considering how it was affecting my romantic relationships and my sense of self-worth.

I constantly felt the urge to quit for good, yet always found myself drawn back in.

If I had a nickel for every time I said, “This is the last time, I swear,” I’d be writing this article from a yacht.

Alas, instead of earning nickels, I racked up debt—enough to bankrupt my life.

A 5-year marriage and a relationship of nearly 10 years, gone.

A beautiful home in the foothills of Colorado, gone.

The man I thought I was, dead.

Depression, gained.

Weight and sleepless nights, gained.

Financial debt, gained.

Looking back, it’s clear this part of my life never provided the reward or relief I thought it would.

I became a master of deflection, a mess of stress, a disaster in every sense.

I cannot stress enough how much my relationship with porn cost me, and why I cannot allow it back into my life. There’s too much on the line now at 33 years of age.

I’ve caused and experienced too many deep wounds through my eyes and hands to ever return to this habit. The damage has been done, and I now fully grasp the toll it has taken.

The time to heal is now—and with it, the responsibility to share my experience with others.

I cannot abide by living separate lives, and I will be relentless in my repentance. To succeed, I must truly believe that a porn-free life is achievable. I will love without lies and cherish my integrity. Through my actions, I will leave an impact that gains traction, leading to lasting satisfaction.

This is my why.

Now, I challenge you to write out your why. To define your creed—the foundation that will shape your new identity. Your true identity that will break the bonds of despair! Your true identity that will slay your demons! Your true identity that will be FREE!

Find your why and keep fighting the good fight!